“Advice From a Distance is About
as Welcome as a Hair in a Biscuit”
By: Loren Hardin
The Ashland Beacon
Carolyn was sixty-nine years old when she enrolled in outpatient Hospice services with end-stage Parkinson’s disease. Carolyn and her husband, Charlie, lived in Adams County their entire lives. They are tough minded and resilient and willing to do whatever it takes to get by.
Charlie worked at a local refrigeration company. He restored and sold used tractors; and he boasted of once rebuilding a car engine in a day. Carolyn and Charlie cut, stacked, and sold firewood together; Carolyn tended a garden, canned, and mowed the lawn; and they’ve both "witched" for water. I told them I could see them not only surviving, but thriving, in Alaska, "The Last Frontier”.
Charlie pastored churches for over thirty years with Carolyn by his side. And they had a nursing home visitation ministry for several years. Charlie said, "Carolyn was a really good alto singer but I was a tenner. People told me they’d prefer to hear me sing from tenner fifteen miles away."
Charlie declared, "I married one tough chick. You can’t tell if she’s in pain. She passed a kidney stone the other day and she just said, ‘Oh that hurts’, three or four times and that was about it. And when she cut off her big toe with the lawnmower, she just cleaned it up and wrapped a towel around it and called and asked her niece to take her to the hospital. She didn’t even call me at work."
Carolyn shared: "But I’ve been on the floor crying because of my Parkinson’s Disease. I don’t like it when people say things like, ‘Don’t worry, just trust in God’, ‘It’ll be alright’, ‘God will take care of you’, ‘You just need to pray about it’. One elderly man at church told me, ‘You just need to shake your fist at God and stomp your feet and tell him what you want him to do.’ I thought ‘Yeah! Old man, you don’t know what you’re talking about! Not with my God!’" Then Charlie added, “I don’t like advice from a distance. Advice from a distance is about as welcome as a hair in a biscuit. But it’s hard to get mad at someone when they mean well. That elderly fellow at church was just ignorant, he wasn’t learned." Charlie’s comment reminds me of what Jesus said on the cross, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34, KJV).
My wife, Susie, reinforced that lesson a few years ago. We were in the middle of a thirteen-year stent of caregiving. I came home to find Susie sitting at the kitchen table with her forehead resting in the palms of her hands. I asked, "What’s wrong?" and she replied, "I’ve been down at mom and dads." As she unloaded her frustration, you guessed it, I gave her my unsolicited advice, "Susie, what you need to do is…" Susie justifiably and immediately fired back, "Did I ask you for your advice? Did I ask you to solve my problems? I was hoping that just once you would just put your arms around me and hold me, that you would just understand." Ouch!
I asked Charlie, "If you were organizing a visitation or shut-in ministry at your church, what advice would you give to the volunteers?" Charlie replied, "I would tell them ‘Give people an opportunity to express their true feelings. Just listen to what they have to say. Some people just need a shoulder to cry on. And you don’t need to say a lot. We can talk too much. And whatever people tell you keep it just between you and them. People have told me a lot of things as a pastor but a lot of the things I didn’t even tell Momma. And I would tell them, ‘Just be open and honest with people. People need to be told the truth.’ Carolyn was always honest. If I wanted to know the truth, I would ask her. She wouldn’t cut any corners and she wouldn’t sweeten it up any". Carolyn interjected, "I’m still telling him the truth, but he won’t listen". Charlie stated, "But she took me for better for worse"; then Carolyn replied, "Don’t tempt me". Carolyn’s sheepish grin revealed that she was proud of her comeback.
Charlie continued, "And I would tell them, ‘Just be pleasant and have a good sense of humor. A sense of humor goes a long way.’ And timing is a good thing to keep in mind too, a schedule. Let people know when you will be stopping by. It gives them something to look forward too.’ Then Charlie concluded, "I would tell them, ‘Just be with people; let them know that you are there for them, and not just in word, but also in deed. But you better be there if you say you are going to be.’"
"…whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house upon the rock." (Matt 7:24-27)
Loren Hardin was a social worker with Southern Ohio Medical Center Hospice for twenty-nine years. He can be contacted at 740.357.6091 or at lorenhardin53@gmail.com. You can order Loren's book, "Straight Paths: Insights for living from those who have finished the course", at Amazon.
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